wow. what a season.

Some seasons can last a few weeks or maybe even a few years; but they tend to be filled with growth, tests, and even burnouts. But I have found that especially after the last two years – I needed the burnout, the doubt, the seemingly never-ending depression. Because as I entered into this next season I am 1000% stronger In myself, and have learned that the only person you can 100% trust is God.

I don’t know about you but I love the changing of the seasons, especially when its summer to fall. The temperatures shift briskly without warning, the leaves change color over night; and the breeze even has a different smell and feel. That’s kinda what I went through a couple weeks ago as the season changed for me. I awoke to a change that was brisk but refreshing, it left this cool breeze on my soul and whispered “your home”.

Before this change of seasons, a part of me wanted to go on a rampage and put down the people that led me through a world of hurt and pain. A part of me wanted them to pay for it. I was angry and hurt. These are all valid emotions but if theres anything I’ve learned in my life it’s that I am not my emotions. So I kept quiet; I processed; and I waited till the moment came where I wasn’t angry anymore. This moment came, and when it did it was met with peace and joy. This moment was when I picked up the guitar for the first time in 3.5 months and just finger picked a melody that always brings me right to the Fathers heart. I felt a gushing sense of relief and a flood of emotions that didn’t have anywhere to go just release.

I feel like I should also preface that just because I’ve entered a new season; doesn’t mean everything is perfect. each season comes with its challenges and its moments. Do I still have moments of spontaneous crying? yep. but that for me just means that I need to allow myself to feel those feelings in a healthy way instead of holding it in and “trying to keep it together”. If I need to cry then I’ll cry, theres no benefits that come with holding in your emotions. It is your brain’s way of saying “Hey, remember me? I need to be heard and seen. give me love and rest”. And thats exactly what I try and do if not in that moment then shortly after.

In this next season I picture myself a baby christian. Someone who is starting fresh and at the beginning of their journey with Jesus. I need new perspective, and fresh understanding of the Bible. The type of biblical surroundings I have been around for the last couple years have led me to a place where I began to question a lot of what I’ve been told and what I believed. Although I am walking through this season; I am steady on what is true. Which is that God is the creator and that He is the father. I know that the Bible is true, and that Jesus came and died for our (my) sins. However where I begin to get confused or begin to doubt is this grey line the church has drawn between what is biblically correct and what is not.

like for example; in the Bible it speaks about the disciples being sent out to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cleanse the lepers. Then you see some churches actively doing just that. then you see other churches preaching on similar topics but only ever going as far as praying for peace. The Bible also speaks of deliverance of demonic influence and possession; again some churches actively pray for deliverance over people who come from backgrounds of witchcraft, masonic, rebellion etc. Then you see other churches not even daring to speak about it. Then we get into all the jazzy witchcraft stuff which is a whole other topic for another day. The point is that what is right and what is wrong. Both churches are neither wrong or right.

Even though I have these questions, that may or may not be answered in this lifetime; I will remain steady on what I know is true. Which is that I am a child of God; I am loved and cherished; I am desired to be around; I have an intimate relationship with Jesus; and most importantly “Home is in the heart of the Lord”. I am home.

May this next season be filled with a fresh perspective; a new hope; a desire to grow; and new relationships.

Im sure many of you have found yourself in seasons whether young or old, but especially in your young adult years. Some questions are lighthearted, being that you already know the answer in your heart. Others carrying much more weight and involves a season of searching, and investigating new wisdom that may or may not be the answer to your questions at heart. Sometimes these season can be scary because you may be questioning the very thing you believe in, and if for some reason you find a reason to change your belief. That changes everything; from your identity, your lifestyle choices, your friends/community, etc.

I recently found myself in this season. I am partially still in the midst of it; However I am receiving little bits of clarity each day from the lord. I began to question my faith, which led to questioning leadership, then leading to questioning the church, and finally questioning God. I dug myself into such a deep hole trying to satisfy this unknowingness, while I was surrounded by what was known.

I witnessed miracles. I witnessed healings that are unexplainable. I witnessed freedom. I witnessed joy.

Yet somehow there was still this voice inside my head telling me that it wasn’t biblical. And it was when I chose to listen to that voice was when things became blurred, confused, questionable and I became angry, hurt, doubtful; but not because of those around me. but God.

You see its when I left the church and began to search Biblically and prayerfully that I began to realize that its actually true.

” the thief purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy. My purpose is to give you a rich and satisfying life.”

John 10:10

The first church service I walked into after beginning my journey questioning everything was a church I had been a part of in the past for 10 plus years. They had recently started a Thursday night service and so I decided to go. When I showed up the pastor spoke on John 10:10 and I laughed because he was also wearing a shirt with a house on the front and scripture on the back. You see if we rewind a couple weeks prior I was on a vacation in McCall, Idaho and there was this christian boutique. I had reluctantly gone in and looked around. It was then that I saw this leather-bound journal and on the front of it was “when you are fully known and loved you have a home” and on the back of it was a house engraved.

Even though I fully heard and knew what the Lord was trying to tell me I chose to ignore it and go to a different church. this time I went to the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints (A.K.A The Mormon Church).

I guess the point of this blog/piece is too just share that while its okay to have season of question. It is not okay to spiral down in and allow the enemy to steal your community, kill your purpose, and to destroy your hope. I am dealing and cleaning up the fallout currently from this past season; gaining trust back, re-developing relationships, and forgiving myself.

“I want more of you lord.”

No matter what season of life I am in, I will always want more. Thats exactly how the lord created me, he created me to be hungry, to be intrigue, to be curious, to question specific things. In those seasons of question though, he created my heart to know when I am going down His path or the path of self-righteousness.

A wildfire begins and spreads due to a spark. It isn’t common for a wildfire to break out in a super wet and rainy place, but in a place where its dry. Same thing applies to a campfire, you’ll find it harder to use wet or damp wood to begin a fire. However if you use dry wood or kindling it’ll ignite much easier.

I have a fire that I carry, and the lord has made me aware of this many times. Everywhere I go sparks leave my fire and land on other people. Just as if I’m planting seeds. However my fire won’t start another fire unless the Lord places dry wood and prepares those. Essentially unless He has gone before me preparing and softening the hearts of those I encounter; a fire won’t ignite.

The lord is the only one whom can continue to make sure my fire is staying hot and lit. If I don’t seek the lord in everything that I do, or I find myself turning to earthly things that only provide temporary solutions then my fire will eventually turn to smoldering smoke and instead of spreading sparks I could end up spreading smoke. The more hungry I get and the more I seek the lord the more my fire grows. It grows bigger and stronger, with more life and power.

I have found that in the seasons when my fire is growing bigger and stronger, there is also a lot of friction happening. When this friction happens I have noticed that it can be good friction that triggers growth, or it can be negative friction that can block and prevent growth; sometimes evening dampening the life and power thats present.

Currently I am in a season of lots of friction, both positive and negative. However I am choosing everyday to take what the enemy meant for evil and give it to God; so that he may give that friction back to me in a more controlled and loving way that instead of promoting evil promotes life and growth. In no way is this easy, I have to constantly remind myself of the love and truth of what my Father in heaven says about me. I have to give everything; all my worries, all my stress, and all of my trust.

Whenever I find my surroundings feeling all swirly and the friction is super heavy and strong; I try to step back, take out my ukulele and begin proclaiming truth over myself and over my surroundings. I did this recently in an airport while preparing to fly home to visit family. Everything started swirling and I couldn’t find myself thinking anything positive, so I leaned on the presence of God knowing that He is here and that I am not alone.

With each day presenting its new set of challenges that can in the end be looked at with a sense of growth and strengthening, I will continue to turn to God and trust in him and know that id much rather live out his plan and his way for my life over my own.

today is 2/22/22. I pray that each one of you that encounter this post will be blessed with peace, joy, strength, wisdom and my your needs be met financially and spiritually today. For he has done it before and he can do it again. His mercies new everyday. I thank you lord for your loving kindness and for knowing all my needs even before I do, and for never failing me. I thank you for always being by each of our sides and for never abandoning or forsaking me. I pray that each of these people will encounter your love and all that you have to offer, in Jesus name. AMEN.

During this season I have not only surrendered my career and personal belongings, but I surrendered my life, my plans, my dreams and my heart. Nothing I do is of my own doing and everything that I am is because of God.

I don’t understand and I can’t comprehend fully anything that the father does. However I have experienced His love again and again and that is enough for me to allow my heart to become fully willing and surrendered to whatever it is he has in stored for my life. Chances are that whatever He has planned for my life is a hundred times better and unimaginable than anything I could do on my own will.

I remember a year ago thinking I was to go to college in the fall, in Idaho and live on my own; however the lord had a different plan in mind. He sent me to Hawaii to live in a christ centered community that has become family, He has walked me through healing both within my heart and physically. God has shown me what life is like when you make him the center, and become fully willing. This journey isn’t easy and the lord never said it would be, however I won’t ever be alone in this journey. The lord will always provide for any and all needs that I have.

Whether my need has been financial or spiritual the lord has never failed to provide. One thing to remember is that His timing is always perfect. He will never reveal something to me prematurely and he most definitely will not make me suffer. The lord will only reveal somethign or provide for my need when the timing is perfect.

An example of a financial need being provided in absolute perfect timing was when I owed someone money and I told them Id have it by a certain date. To be completely honest I didn’t know if I would or not but the lord told me to trust in him. As that date neared I began I find myself constantly checking all payment apps and running to the ATM a least once a day. The morning of the date I said Id have the money by I received the remaining balance of the money from an unexpected supporter. I found myself feeling so shocked yet so joyful. This is the fathers heart for all of our needs.

In this season I constantly find myself with just a few pennies and dimes more than id like to admit. I also don’t have a continuous financial supporter, However the lord continues to provide whenever a need may come up. My needs never go unmet and I’m so grateful for everything the lord has and continues to provide.

I have been in Hawaii now for 5 1/2 months now and I have approximately 3 months left of this school, after that we will go on a mainland tour and then it’ll be summer break. I don’t know yet what, or where ill be next September however I do know that the lord will reveal everything in his divine timing. Perhaps I will come back to the island for round 2 or perhaps I will be somewhere else in this world that the lord has created.

No matter where I am I will be praying for a revival. period.

When you think of safety, is there someone that comes to mind or something or somewhere that makes you feel safe?

When I think of safety, I think of Jesus. I think of a God, a Father who’s intentions are to keep you within the safety of His arms at all times. When you fully encounter the Lord and know what it feels like to be held in his arms, you never want to leave. When you know of and experience His great intentional and life-changing love, nothing else can satisfy you and your every need.

I feel like all my life I have known of the safety that God our Father offers, however I have strayed away by the idea that relationships offer safety. This thought isn’t to far off the grind though, because there is A Relationship that offers safety. God.

Our Father in heaven is the only one who can provide the safety and security that we need. If we choose to try and find such safety outside of His loving embrace then we will simply become lost in a cycle of unknown-ness.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. he renews my strength. he guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. you prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. my cup overflows with blessings. surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the lord forever.”

Psalm 23

This scripture is such a great reminder that no matter what season your walking through the lord is with you. I feel such peace and comfort knowing the lord is there always; guiding me along peaceful streams and renewing my strength so that I may be strong enough to maneuver life challenges. I also find myself repeating “even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are on my side”. When it feels as if there is no emergency exit and the storm ahead looks daunting I know that I am not alone and I will be able to walk through the storm with only a few scratches.

Believe it or not but I have a few testimonies on the safety and love of God that id like to impart to you in this blog.

There was one time when I was out exploring on the farm here at ekballo and I decided to go hiking to the mango trees which is a hike I had only done once with the whole ekballo school. However thanks to my sharp landscape memory and a random stick with an empty soda can on it to mark a crucial turning point in the path I was able to make it to the tree with no problems. I climbed onto the lowest branch and set up my rain cover over my bag and tied it to the tree so it wouldn’t fall off during my tree climbing adventure. I spent an hour adventuring before deciding I should start descending and heading back.

The tree was wet from some recent rain but I had complete confidence in my ability to climb and descend this tree. As I was descending this tree I slipped and was hanging about 7-8 feet above uneven ground by one arm. At this point all I felt was sheer panic and knew I had to let go and try and land on my feet while I still had even just a sliver of control in this situation. I swung myself at an angle to what looked like even-is ground and let go. I landed on my feet but due to the height of the fall my knee and ankle buckled under the weight of the fall and immediately all I felt was adrenaline pumping and pain.

After trying to collect myself for a few moment I heard the lord tell me “your okay, I’m here” with those words I proceeded to collect myself and stand up. I made it back very slowly and each step I took I found myself whispering “your okay, your okay”. In this moment the lords safety and protection was more literal than spiritual, but His words provided the feeling of being safe. I still feel that this is such a great example to share how God has come into a moment where something could’ve happened, but didn’t.

Another testimony of when I experienced the feeling safe in the lords arms was when I was struggling with my heart. I was feeling a lot of inner turmoil and restlessness and didn’t know why. I felt so much heaviness and my emotions were going every which way. I had a mentor at the time tell me that while I’m praying or spending my quiet time with the lord to allow Him to just pick me up and to cuddle up close to the safety of his grasp and to listen very closely to the sound of his “heartbeat”. In other words to just return to that safe place where I can feel the love of the Father and am not being distracted by any of my emotions and heaviness. Ever since that season I have remembered that piece of advice and find myself getting up and close to the lord and to his warm, loving embrace whenever I start to become overwhelmed by the sounds and stimulus of the world around me.

Both of these testimonies are such great examples of how the lords love and safety change your life. No thing and no one will ever be able to provide the safety and Love that the father has to give you. And if you have yet to experience that in your life then id love to invite you on this journey with me.

The lord has invitation with your name on it, and this invitation does not have an expiration date. He loves each and everyone of us beyond our comprehension, and id love to be able to walk through more of what that looks like with you if you are curious.

I have recently just experienced Gods love and ability to heal tangibly for the first time ever in my life. Through this experience I now have an increased hunger and thirst for more of God.

“for you can’t hunger or thirst for something in which you’ve never tasted before”

This quote was spoken over me through one of our morning classes, and its so true. You can’t crave something you’ve never had before, its how our brain works.

if your craving a pretzel its probably because you’ve tasted pretzels before, same thing with the Holy Spirit. Once you have tasted and or experienced the Holy Spirit you will forever be changed and also have a newfound hunger for it.

the testimony of how I got to experience this for the first time was when we were all playing soccer at the apartments. The first rule of soccer is no shoes, the second rule is play at night, and third rule is to keep it away from the person in the middle. sounds pretty simple yeah? so this is where it gets fun.

we usually start in the front yard where we are having to avoid cars, tables, chairs etc. Then we typically migrate to the backyard where theres more room and where there happens to be less lighting. For me I tend to get very into the game and become very competitive. I remember chasing the ball very quickly into the darkness and I knew that there was someone running beside me, However I didn’t know if there was anyone else running. I charged toward the ball and then next thing I know I get slammed in the head and hit the ground. I could hear laughter around me but I wasn’t laughing, I was laying there internally scanning my body for any damages or bleeding. All I felt at this point in time was a headache and general collision pain. I then proceeded to go inside and lay down while they continued playing soccer. As I went inside I noticed that I had fluid flowing down my throat and immediately knew that it was my ear bleeding. I took my hearing aide out and was not surprised to find blood. I texted one of my friends whom was still playing outside and just let her know that my ear was bleeding.

A good chunk of time went by that I don’t remember much of most likely due to the head trauma faced, and I would eventually find out that infant it wasn’t a lot of time, but that time just felt much slower. After a little bit of time went by she received my text and came to check on me. then oddly the only thing I remember after that was that my roommate was cooking ground beef.

I remember my roommate and friend saying we should pray, and so we did.

Before I get into the next part I just want to mention that I have never experienced Gods healing tangibly, I have only ever experienced His peace within and His comfort in moments of anxiety.

As they began to pray and after a few moments I felt my teeth starting to chatter as if I was cold, which later I found out was the Holy Spirit. I felt such overwhelming presence of the lord and when they ended the prayer It was as if someone took their hand and wiped the pain across my forehead and ear away. I no longer get pain, I was all of a sudden thinking so clearly again, and I was frozen in awe. I was simply smiling and speechless as I both knew and didn’t know what just happened.

After a few moments I began to fill the Holy Spirit further more enter into my heart, where I felt a warmth and lightness accompanied by a bubbly laughter as an expression of joy in which I couldn’t contain. I found myself so affected by His love. I fully experienced the love that he has on my life, and most of all I received it. receiving love is the most important step in a relationship and thats all the lord wanted for me. Was to receive the love he has for me.

Hey everyone! Its a back to bi-weekly updates every other Monday! I figured I would give y’all a little update with how I got to Hawaii and on how everything is going and what changes have happened. Before I jump into that I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their support on my blog and thought out my journey these last couple years.

In the last year God has brought me to a place I could never have dreamed of or thought of as possible. I have been through the ups and downs of life and each time God has lifted me up and set me back down of safety of the shore.

This fall I was anticipating on going to college to complete a bachelors degree in psychology and secondary education. I had applied for university of Idaho and was accepted, I then was working on financial aide and scholarships in order to put myself through college. It was during this time that a friend had mentioned something to do with a group from Hawaii coming and hosting a worship night on the beach across the street from me. I had originally thought nothing of it until a few weeks later.

It was a Tuesday morning before work when I found out that I did not qualify for any financial aide or scholarships due to my dependency status. I was definitely discouraged as I had already signed a lease for an apartment and was only just under 2 months away from moving to Idaho. Later that night I went to my house church and thats when I ran into a larger than normal group. After a few minutes of asking around and trying to figure out who these people were I found out that they were a group from Hawaii called Ekballo. I then ran into and old friend whom immediately started talking to me about it, By the end of the night I made the connection that this was the group my neighbor was talking to me about. During that night I felt that God was moving in my heart for Ekballo. Two weeks went by and then I got to see them again except this time they were at my neighbors house for a worship night. After that evening that I talked and met more people of Ekballo I was invited to hop on tour with them and go to yelp for the weekend. I said yes and went for it; and boy am I glad that I did. The lord brought me to know and meet the people of ekballo through the closing and openings of certain doors. It was that weekend that I tagged along with the group from Ekballo Hawaii that I knew this was Gods next step for me.

Through out the next two months I would find that God was asking me to sacrifice everything for Him. There were hard times and there were easy times but each time I knew that the lords plan is far bigger than I could imagine. One of the coolest part of this experience was when I first said Yes to Ekballo. I had a brand new 2020 jeep renegade that I purchased and took out a loan on; in order to be able to get to Hawaii I needed to sell the vehicle. In the beginning of this venture I was praying that I would at least come out even with the amount that I owed on it. However I was approached with an offer that would in the end allow me to walk away with cash in hand. After this experience I realized even more so than before that this was purely God. I knew now that God wanted me to go to Hawaii, even if I wasn’t fully on board with the idea yet. During the next few weeks that turned into a month God continued to provide financially. Whether that was providing a car for me to drive for free after selling mine, to supporters that helped me reach my fundraising goal; He really was/is in control.

It has now been almost a month since arriving here in Naalehu, Hawaii; and starting the school while also working on the coffee farm. To say that I live in Hawaii is still so surreal to me, at this point in time I definitely feel that I am where I am supposed to be and perhaps even after Ekballo I will still live here in Hawaii.

Thank you everybody for your support during this adventure. Stay tuned for the next update in two weeks.

When I think of kingdom culture I think of thankfulness, forgiveness, connection, love, perspective, sharing, trust, obedience, and vulnerability.

In my life I hold vulnerability to a high standard, along with trust and sharing. However, I try my best to love others, forgive those who’ve spoken out, and be thankful for the blessings God has and continues to provide.

I would say I used to be good judge of people and groups of people that I could trust and be vulnerable with but in time with repeated instances I would get hurt. I would be betrayed, I would be judged, I would be separated or discrimnated for my sufferings and story. Each time I would add a few bricks to a wall I called boundaries. But soon I realized this wall would be built of fear, it was a wall built on sufferings; it was a wall the devil worked very hard on. 

I wish I could say this wall doesn’t exist anymore but it does. However, I continue to fight the lies of the devil that try to silence me. if I have learned anything from the last year, it is that the presence of God is closer than you think. You just need to step back from all of life’s distractions and listen.

I had the incredible opportunity to experience this several times this week during the ekballo camping trip. I sat back and just listened and watched around me as the wind blew, and the birds flew and talked, so did He.

life is short, its even shorter when you consider that I am on borrowed time. I have been through an extremely long season of hopelessness and depression to the point where I attempted 7 times. Each time God protected me, saved me, and carried me back to safety.

when I woke up in my hammock this week I thought to myself, “Is this real”? I have been fighting for peace from depression for so long that it never seemed attainable. Every time that God reminds me, I break down with gratitude, and thanks for this new life He has given me. This life may be considered borrowed time by my words, or the ER words; but by Gods words its new purpose, a new life that is devoted to him and his plan for me.

Thank you so much for reading my blog, I appreciate everyones support and encouragement through life. Stay tuned for more updates as I continue on this new journey.

Hey everyone! it’s been a few months since my last blog update, figured I would give y’all a little update on how everything is going and what changes have happened. Before I jump into that I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their support on my blog and with sharing journey.

Life has been kinda crazy and full of unexpected twists and turns, ups and downs the last two months. If I could describe it in a sensation or feeling it would go like this..

“your sitting on the tailgate of a truck, the truck starts driving, it keeps speeding up and at some point your going so fast that everything around you seems so overwhelming and so chaotic that the only thing you want to do is jump.”

Whenever I feel like I’ve lost control of everything around me, I start making poor choices that don’t help my mental health. I talk a lot about mental health and depression on my blog but I also want to talk about anxiety. Not as a negative thing but more as a key to unlocking and solving the puzzle I like to call my brain.

Anxiety is the main triggering emotion that can lead to a breakdown. I don’t necessarily have control over my main trigger being my main trigger, but I do have control over what triggers my anxiety. The amount of caffeine I consume if and on a daily basis is the main one, the other is the surrounding/environmental factors. For example large group settings or get-togethers, grocery stores, malls, even driving. These are some surrounding/environmental factors that can trigger my anxiety depending on the circumstances.

Some days I am absolutely fine in a large group setting and other days I steer 100 miles away from people. Knowing my “escape routes” as I like to call them, is the only way I can equip myself and be proactive about my anxiety.

I love my community of friends, family, co-workers and even strangers. I wouldn’t change anything in my life right now knowing that through my struggles and challenges, God is re-shaping and refining me into a better disciple and listener than before.

Going back to the very descriptive image on how I felt like I was on the tailgate of a truck for the last two months, the truck has slowed down. It is now cruising on cruise control and I feel relaxed enough to lay out a blanket and just look up at the stars and see all the beauty around me. When life gets too fast, remembering how to slow down is the most important thing.

Thank you guys again for all your support and stay tuned for my next blog post within the next month or so. If you haven’t already please subscribe and enter your email so that you can be notified with updates on my blog!

I don’t know what to talk about other than the obvious. mental health. however I am shifting my focus from mental health to mental wellness. I am finding that I have been looking at things with a narrow perspective and instead I need to look at life with a wider more characterized perspective.

The current mental health crisis is not something that is simply going to go away by making it okay to talk about it. Instead we also need to talk about the next steps, like what do we do after we have identified our triggers, our causes and influences. What next steps are crucial to growing both as a person but in loving yourself as much as the people in your life love you.

Loving myself is one of the hardest things I am having to learn. But I will learn to love my unique, quirky, spontaneous, feisty and caring self.

Being a young adult is tough. Being a young adult is also a HUGE GROWING AND LEARNING experience. You have to start somewhere to get someplace.

You know that feeling when you turn on that one song, and you instantly go from being your current age to being kid again? for me thats Miley Cyrus “Party In The U.S.A”. The feeling of no-stress, laughter, fun, innocence is something I feel every time I listen to the song. this is the feeling I have to remind myself of during moments of question, or anxiousness.

As long as there is a good song to turn a bad day into a good one, and great friends to have spontaneous overnights with and people that love and support me in everything I do then I have nothing to worry about and know I will get through this “Young-Adult” period.

Thank you everyone for all your support in my blogs and I hope y’all are staying healthy during these trying times.