I’ve debated on sharing this in my blog, I find myself disappointed and ashamed in some aspects. However I remind myself that if I reach one person and somehow for some reason my blog has impacted, or changed their perspective on faith, struggles and or even just life, then I am fulfilling my purpose as a disciple of Jesus. 

With that being said here goes everything.

These last couple months have been a mix between ups and downs, mainly downs. I kept finding myself feeling tired, achey, and I never felt good. My moods were low, and very emotional. I found myself turning to numbing habits like caffeine and busyness. These habits turned into what some would call an “ caffeine addiction” but we don’t need to go there. 

What I wasn’t realizing is that the more I put off dealing with my mental and even physical health, then the worst it is going to get and I would eventually have a burnout or hit rock bottom in my mental health/depression again, And well that happened. 

Although I don’t like admitting it, I felt God telling me to be share a little of my story, because I know I’m not the only one who has had to reface the darkness during this season. The covid season has not only affected me mentally but also physically. My subconscious was reminding me of every little thing I was doing wrong, and I started to believe each and every one of those lies.

After finding myself in a dark place again I made decisions that could’ve ultimately ended my life, however God held a protective shield over me and carried me through this time. With the support of co-workers, friends and family I was able to seek some help and now am finishing my first week of feeling steady, happy, and in control of my emotions. I also have a sense of Joy again and feel that my heart is where it needs to be. 

Being able to wake up and choose Joy over negativity is something I’m working on everyday. Being able to go to work and spend 8 hours smiling and being present is something I’m working on everyday. Loving myself for who I am and for being a responsible women with strong morals and ethics is something I’m learning to do everyday. It’s a daily challenge that I find sometimes more tiring than others, However I have to remind myself that I have goals, plans, and dreams for my future that I want to accomplish and complete. Not only that, God has plans and dreams for my future that I want to fulfill and complete.

Realizing I am not alone in my struggles has not only impacted the way I seek out mentor ship but also how I make myself available for those whom are also seeking a friend or mentor during a tough season. God is ultimately shaping and refining me as a means to prepare me for the mission.

In the end all I can continue to say is “KEEP GOING” even when you literally can’t find any reason to, please find a mirror or something and go look at yourself, look at your chest rising and falling. That is a reason to keep fighting. Someone on this earth needs you, loves you, and wants to fight along side you every step of the way. Reach out, even if you feel as if no one hears you, because trust me, YOU ARE HEARD and YOU ARE WORTH IT.

In the last week God has boldly struck down my anxieties and fears about the inevitable. Which includes change, growth, death, and life. These are all things that I try not to dwell on as much as possible because I have always felt that if I did I would be giving it power. 

The funny thing is that God wants us to acknowledge it, God wants us to face it head on with courage and be stronger than it because the first step in healing or growth is acknowledging that there is a need for it.

Change has been a constant thing I’ve tried avoiding in my life.  However time and time again God puts me right in the middle of it all. Whether its pastors relocating due to Gods calling or friends that live in a different state, I have had to figure out healthy ways to face it. 

I have a friend whom I have only known for close to 6 months. She came into my life through church and changed my life in so many ways I couldn’t even describe. Her and I have so much to relate to and our love for Jesus is what Makes us inseparable. Finding out that she is moving back home caused me to dwell in sadness and confusion for a bit. However time and time again I get through these sorts of changes in life and one thing I know for sure is that this isn’t “good bye” instead its a “see ya later”.

In Isaiah 52:7 it says this “How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messengers who bring good news, the good news of peace and salvation, the news that the God of Israel reigns!”

This verse is such a declaration of peace and comfort to my soul for I know that through all life”s challenges God is equipping me to tell others of the peace He has given me.

“He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” Says 2 Corinthians 1:4.

A constant reminder when going through something is that everything happens for a reason, and to trust God with all your worries, questions, and confusion. I know that this is easier said than done, however we must trust Gods promise to us and remember that we are not alone in our struggles and celebrations.

Thank you for reading through todays blog! I am celebrating and rejoicing in the name of God as it been over a year since all this started as just a tiny idea. I appreciate and couldn’t do it without all your support.

Hey everyone, I hope y’all are having a great week. Thank you all again for your tremendous support and love I deeply appreciate each and everyone of you. I just wanted to pop on really quick and give you a formal update on the life of Ellie. 

If you haven’t heard yet I have been working closely with some mentors and an organization to become a missionary overseas. This originally started out as a simple idea that God has put in my head to something that’s been so strong and passion on my heart. 

I have had the wonderful opportunity to attend a summer leadership mission in Lake Tahoe which I felt truly prepares one for future evangelizing and outreaches. After returning home I knew that I would be serving on a mission at some point again. 

I realized that God has a very specific timeline and doesn’t steer from it at all. I had to come to this realization to understand that God will send and use me when He knows I’m ready and on His terms. 

I have chosen a location for this mission and it’s going to be in Poland. Just saying that sounds crazy to me. I will have the pleasure and privilege to be able to work alongside others in teaching English as a second langue and doing sports ministry. My time spent in Poland will reach about a year and then I will have to re-ask myself and God if I am still where He wants me. 

For now I am still working part-time at Costco and absolutely love my job and the people I have the honor to work with. Stay tuned for more updates to follow on my mission and make it a GREAT WEEKEND!

If this is your first time on my blog let me fill you in on some stuff!! My very first blog is how this all originated and I highly suggest you go and read that before you continue.

These last couple weeks at work have been very long and never-ending and I have found myself becoming exhausted, overwhelmed, and easily annoyed by the smallest of things.

 I have to remind myself daily that it’s not just me, everyone is feeling the effects of this pandemic. My drives to and from work allow me to “reset” and put myself in a positive mindset for both work and my family. I listen to a mix of worship and 80’s music and it gives me encouragement for the day.

I have especially learned that communicating how I’m feeling to my family is extremely important, so that they may know what I am struggling with or maybe I had a rougher than usual day at work. I have also learned to communicate at work with my managers and supervisors about scheduling and day to day stuff that may pop up.

 I consider myself to be an introvert, I dislike hugs from people who aren’t family and I could live without the day-to-day human interaction, I also find it uncomfortable when I have to communicate with people over a phone-call or through a hand-held radio. I would much rather see you face to face and be able to read your expressions. However, some of these things have changed or shifted. I still don’t like hugs lol but I am longing for the day-to-day interaction with some of my closest friends and even some family members. 

Mental health is such an important area in life to constantly look at and give attention to, otherwise if went unnoticed for too long you could find yourself feeling depressed, burnt out, or just plain moodier. I know from experience that I tend to bottle up my emotions and feelings instead of journaling and talking about it, this ends up affecting not only relationships but my performance at work and in school.

Journaling or blogging which is my favorite thing to do, are great ways to take whatever is going on in your head and lay it out in front of you. I like to go through and dissect my journal entries and determine if how I am feeling is in any way related to something that I could possibly change and or have control over. I don’t have any control over that situation then I look to the next thing. for example school, I can choose how many classes and what types of classes I want to take depending on my ability to adapt and react well to the added stress.

I hope you have enjoyed this blog and thank you for tagging along on this journey through life. See ya next time!!

Welcome back! sadly the title of today’s blog is true. I have decided to dis-continue for the time being.

However, I do want to spend some time today talking about why I have made this decision and also how having this blog has helped me in ways I didn’t think it would.

My journey is filled with Hope, and Courage thanks to my family and friends that have been there with me through it all. My faith has grown so much stronger and so has my confidence in whose I am.

I feel God is preparing me for something bigger. Im not sure what that will look like however I do know that when the time comes I will drop everything and follow God.

One day as Jesus was walking along the shore of the sea of Galilee he saw two brothers-simony, also called Peter, and Andrew-throwing a net into the water, for they fished for a living. Jesus called out to them, “Come, Follow Me. and I will show you how to fish for people!” and they left their nets at once and followed Him.

Mathew 4:18-20

I remind myself of this verse as often as I can, because this is a great reminder to us disciples on how we should be ready for whatever God wants us to do.

With the coronavirus happening amongst other things as well I just feel that now is the time to STOP, BREATHE, and SHARE GRATITUDE.

I will most definitely be back blogging soon but for the next couple months I will be focusing on spending as much quality time with my family as I can and also get involved in the community in some way to make a difference.

Thank you for joining me along my journey these last couple of months and can’t wait to get back to it in a few months!!

until next time!

Hey everyone! Welcome back to my blog, I hope you had an amazing February. Today I will be talking about my trip to Arizona and why I only went for literally one-day!

Saturday morning I got up at 5:00am and got dressed and went through my pre-travel list. 

I left the house around 6:30 and we stopped for coffee at Starbucks and still arrived early at the airport. 

I checked in, and received my sunflower lanyard (hidden disabilities) and then went through TSA and made it an hour early to my Gate. 

I went to McDonald’s and got a hash brown, a burrito and an orange juice. Then I went to Starbucks to have my water bottle filled with water and ice. 

I then chilled at the gate for awhile. Felt anxious but not too bad. Traveling solo is definitely different, you don’t have anyone to talk to…I love talking whenever I’m nervous! 

I then got switched from section 2 to pre-boarding due to my special lanyard and was the first group of people to board. I ended up being seated next to a great person!

listening to music and chewing gum really helped during take off. I also brought a snack that was supposed to be for the return trip as well however I ate the entire bag before we even landed in Phoenix. The flight attendants were extremely nice on the entire flight. I didn’t realize you couldn’t pay with cash and the lady said no worries it’s on the house. All I got was a ginger ale to help with my stomach and anxiety.

This weekend is mainly for me to spend time in sabbath and take time off from school and “REALITY”.  

I have been reading a new book called “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry” by John Mark Comer. He talks about how we all need to spend more time in sabbath and that’s exactly what I’m doing in Arizona. I know what your thinking..you don’t need to travel to do sabbath, and your right! However, I’m also visiting family, and taking a short adventure while in Arizona. 

One time when Jesus spent time in sabbath he went on a hike with his disciples, it was a bright blue sky, with heat kinda day. I look at this as an example of how different each and everyone of us spend time in sabbath. However through it all, as long as we stop, breathe, and give thanks every seventh day then we will start to see change in our lives.

Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.”

Mark 2:27-28

Lately I have been struggling with my emotions and friendships in a good way. You see I have never had a consistent friendship for more than a couple months to a year. I have finally found a community and strong relationships in the church.

However, I feel as if im just waiting for something to happen. Maybe its something I will say, or maybe it’ll be simply me struggling with my mood a little extra that day, I am just waiting for something that’ll cause friction and for them to start distancing themselves from me because this is what I am used to.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way but for someone who has never had a consistent friend in their life this is my daily struggle. Some of the questions that run through my head include;

“Am I being to talkative?”, “Am I being to Quiet?”, “I don’t want to grow to close incase you decide to leave”, “Am I too skinny?”, “Am I dressed weird?”……These are just a few of many thoughts that go through my head on a daily occurrence.

I am working on many of these things on a daily basis and I have to constantly remind myself that Its okay to get closer to people as longs its a healthy “Friendship/Relationship”.

I hope you enjoyed this Blog today. Thank you everyone for your support and stay tuned for more updates and adventures in the next couple months!

Welcome back to my blog! I’m glad you’re here. Today I will be talking about how I have been these last couple of weeks. Between College and my faith I have been extremely busy.

These last few weeks have been long and seemingly never-ending. Between English essays due every week to drama with my middle schoolers I definitely felt like I hit the bottom of my seemingly full cup of energy. I haven’t felt this way since high school and I started to become disappointed in myself. I started listening to the devil loud and clear, however I was quickly reminded through prayer that I am not alone and that through these challenges that God is putting me through I will grow closer to fulfilling Gods purpose for me.

Instead of staying in a low mood, and thinking negatively I decided to restart some of my coping techniques for whenever I am highly stressed. I started running again, this felt amazing. Before I realized I had accidentally ran 3-4 miles instead of just 1. Running is like addicting for me, is satisfies my soul whenever I am feeling stressed out and it also is super healthy. I also try to eat better, less caffeine more water. However none of theses things will fill my hole. I call it my “God shaped-hole”. You may have heard me use this term before, but I tend to use it in reference to how I spend my time. Instead of trying to fill my time with tangible solutions I try to turn to God, wether thats reading His words, spending time in prayer or even just enjoying a walk with Him.

I have also made it a thing for myself, that whenever I start to feel like this I need to do something fun, exciting. I try to live life as if its my last 24hr ever, when the end of the day comes and go I think to myself. Did I impact someone’s life? am I happy with what I have done? have I done anything meaningful? have I been adventurous? if I have answered no to one or more then I challenge myself to try better the next day.

I was spending time in Gods presence the other day and felt him edging me on to look at the prices of flights for Arizona. I wasn’t sure why, and I told myself that would the most stupid decision for me right now financially. However God was definitely making it obvious that right now is actually the best time to do it financially. Yes, I am still confused but im not going to question it further instead I am going to follow through and see what exactly God has in store for me down there.

Thank you everyone for tuning in for todays blog, and stay tuned for updates as far as my trip to Arizona towards the beginning of march!

In todays blog I am going to be discussing a sort of emotional loop/cycle I have been in for the past several weeks during this holiday season.

The best way I can describe the way I am feeling is by showing you this picture of Seattle. God is so much bigger than our problems, our worries, our emotions that no true scale can truly show his capacity. He is the sun looking down upon the tiny ants that scurry thru the busy streets. He is the Big Friendly Giant to the little lady bug, no matter how big our problems may seem we must remind ourselves that he can handle them, and surrender all thats heavy upon us unto Him our Great Lord and Savior.

During these last couple weeks I have found myself in confusion, and isolation more so than normal, small things making me cry and big things making me want to stay in bed all day. Today I went to work and asked my supervisor if they were keeping me on past my seasonal employment period and they said no, then after work I went out to my car and got ready to pull out of the parking lot and felt something wrong with my car. I turned my emergency flashers on and got out and looked, sure enough I had a flat tire so flat that I could damage the wheel itself if I drove any further. I felt defeated and wanted to cry even though I knew it could be fixed or I could throw a spare on but at that moment I realized that I needed to choose between surrendering my emotions to God or become hopeless and fall onto a deeper path. After praying for a few moments I chose to surrender my emotions to God and trust that he has a plan for me.

One of my favorite songs right now is “Jesus I Come” and the beginning reminds me that all is well.

“Oh how I need Your grace

More than my words can say

Jesus I come, Jesus I come

In all my weaknesses

You are my confidence

Jesus I come, Jesus I come”

“Jesus I Come By Elevation Worship”

The reminder that in all my weaknesses no matter what I have faith and trust in God that he will always be there waiting for me, and that everything happens more as a stepping stone closer to where he wants you to be rather than a setback.

Reflection time is a huge reason why I can turn my worry into understanding, my anxiety into peace. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for all my time spent journaling and documenting my feelings and then validating that having feelings and emotions are okay, and I should not think of myself any less because of them.

I just want to take a moment and thank you all for continually following me on my journey through the mental health world and my life! I hope everybody had a fun and safe New Years Eve and Happy New Year!

Hello Everyone, its been about a month since my last update and the Holiday season is in full swing and it feels like it could snow. In this Update I have decided to talk about stress habits that I have discovered and my current mental health update!

This picture accurately describes how I feel when someone tells me its almost my day off. I love my job and the people I work with but this girl really needs a day to herself, and I mean to HERSELF! I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t take the time to love and nature myself with self-care and spend time with God. Sure it sounds selfish to want to spend all day doing the things only I want to do, but guess what….we ALL need that one day to ourselves wether we want to admit to it or not. The only difference is we each spend the day differently, some take a bubble bath (*me), some do errands and chores, and others hang out with their friends. As long as we remember to take care of our selves then we will be able to take on any great mission God gives us.

This week I found a journal that I had when I was in the hospital, and it had notes from some classes I had to attend while I was in-patient, and one of them was on how to notice when your more stressed out than “NORMAL”. Some of you are probably thinking well Ellie theres no such thing as normal stress, well you would be right except having some stress in our lives is healthy but too much stress isn’t. When little to moderate stress on a daily basis I tend to chew on ice and eat chocolate, when I am experiencing moderate to high stress in my daily life I tend to eat less, and chew on my fingernails (even when I don’t have any left to chew), and I chew ice more than one should.

Lately with the weather getting colder and the days getting shorter, I have been struggling to grow in my relationship with God, more than usual. This can be very discouraging for me at times but I try to remember the lyrics to one of my favorite songs called “Way maker”

” Even when I don’t see it, your working

Even when I don’t feel it, your working

You never stop, you never stop working

You never stop, you never stop working”

This part speaks so much truth over me whenever I am starting to doubt and lets me know that He will always be working through me wether I see it or not. This song reminds me of a sermon I once heard about God working through me to plant seeds in peoples lives and we hardly will ever see those seeds turn into something beautiful but when the times comes and the seeds grow in to something bigger the moment becomes everlastingly rewarding and changes your perspective on doubt.

As I close out this blog I just want to say thank you for those who have been following me on my journey through my mental health and also just life in general, and also thank you for those who have just started on this journey with me and I hope you stay for the long run!

I hope you all had an amazing thanksgiving and I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and holiday season and happy new year!!

Hey everyone in todays blog I am going to be talking about life, my job, and where I am at on my journey with my faith.

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First off its been about a month since my last update and since then I have landed another part-time job for the holiday season, and I have also taken some small steps in continual growth with my faith. I have also taken some time to reflect on my current season in life and where I want to be instead of where I am right now.

I have taken some decisions regarding my mental health very lightly until now, I have since determined certain patterns in my everyday life wether it is at work or at home that I tend to do when my mood and/or emotions are low. Some examples of these include taking naps often, eating less, and working out more, you may look at these and think well theres nothing wrong with taking naps however I mean I wake up in the morning and then I eat breakfast and then I essentially go back to bed for another couple of hours cause I feel no motivation to get up and do something.

I have now decided that as soon as my eyes open I need to start my day whatever that may look like, sometimes I take shower or a bath, and sometimes I may make a nice hearty breakfast. I find waking up and being motivated harder in the fall/winter seasons more so than spring/summer, In order to help promote positivity in my life at home I put sticky notes every where I go in the morning wether thats in the bathroom or everywhere in my bedroom. This helps my mind to only think truth and not lies, for example “I am beautiful”, “I am smart”, “I am perfect the way I am”, and “I am a daughter of God”.

This not only helps with positive thinking but it also helps and motivates me to grow deeper roots in my faith with christ. I have a tendency to wake up on Sundays and say “ehhhhhhhhh I don’t feel like driving to church today” but somehow I always end up at a service, because deep down inside I know I need community otherwise I would fall apart slowly. Community is such an important thing to me and is very rewarding being able to celebrate others and to be celebrated during life accomplishments and milestones.

Thanks for following me on my journey through life and I hope you guys have an amazing holiday season and stay tuned for more updates through the new year!